When Runners Don't Want to Run

I have a confession to make: Sometimes I don't feel like going for a run. Now, as a running coach and avid runner who dreams of one day doing ultramarathons, this is pretty embarrassing to admit. Nevertheless, there have been several days recently that I have not wanted to go running, and even a few days when I skipped my run entirely as a result. But I would venture to guess that I'm not the only runner who has ever felt this way. I think with everything we do, even things we enjoy, we will have our ebbs and flows. And just because we have a down day or even a down week doesn't mean we should just throw in the towel. What it does mean, though, is that we should be evaluating what is going on with ourselves both physically and mentally.

When you lose motivation to run or to exercise, I suggest you take some time to discover the reason behind the loss of motivation. Here are some of the most likely culprits:

1) Physiological: You are not getting enough sleep, you're getting sick or still recovering from an illnesss, or you have crossed the line into full-on overtraining. One major skill taught in Chi Running is body sensing. The basic idea is that you learn to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. Notice if your calves are feeling tight while you run and adjust your stride accordingly. If your back is hurting, pay attention to what it's trying to tell you. Are you bending at the waist? Do you need to engage your core? And in the same way, pay attention to how you're feeling in a whole-body sense. Are you tired? Feeling run-down? If so, maybe taking a day off or foregoing that interval workout for the week is just what you need. But if not, pull yourself out of bed and get out there while you consider other reasons for the decrease in motivation.

2) Mental/Emotional: Sometimes we can lose our motivation because we have hit a plateau and aren't seeing improvement; or because fear starts getting the better of us: I'm afraid to do that distance, afraid to run that race, afraid of the hard work my current training plan is going to require, etc. Or we are overtraining (yes, I know I mentioned this in the physiological reasons as well, but overtraining can have both physical and mental repercussions). When we start losing the mental game, the best thing to do is address the fears or issues head-on. Plateaus are an expected and healthy part of any training (see my blog post about plateaus); but if you linger too long on that plateau, it may be time to jump-start things by introducing a change in your training program, such as cross-training or perhaps pushing yourself extra hard for a week. If fear is what is getting you, acknowledge that to yourself instead of trying to ignore it, then decide how you are going to respond. Will you let fear control you? Or will you focus on your weaknesses until they become your strengths? As for overtraining, that will typically manifest itself as moodiness, irritability, depression, and/or grumpiness along with the physiological symptoms of feeling run-down and devoid of energy. If this is what you are experiencing, take a day or two off and get some extra sleep.

Another thing to keep in mind is that sometimes all you need to do to find renewed motivation is change things up a little bit. Do your next run on a different path; if you typically run alone, invite a friend to run with you; if you normally listen to music, try running without it and notice the sounds around you and the signals your body is sending you. Add some bursts of speed during your slow runs. What you're aiming for is to not let yourself get derailed from your goals when all it may take to stay on track are some minor tweaks.

As for me, I realized that my body was just needing extra rest as a result of too many late nights at the same time that I was taking my running up a notch. Once I started making sleep a priority again, my motivation and excitement for running came back stronger than ever. If your motivation is lagging as mine was, take heart. You may just be a small change or two away from getting the passion back.

No April Fool

I thought it might be a good idea to give some updates on what has been going on in my life lately, both the good and the bad. I did my weigh-in the morning of April 1st, and I was half a pound UP from where I was the first day of last month! I posted before about plateaus and about the fact that I was on one during the first part of March. Well, unfortunately that plateau lasted a good portion of the month; but rather than causing my weight to plateau, it actually went up, up, up until I had gained almost 7 lbs. Yikes! Given that, I'm grateful that I was able to get back down almost to the starting point, although I'm disappointed in my lack of overall progress.

As for my sleep experiment, after only getting to bed by 9:00 about 50% of the time, I decided to adjust it to  aiming for a 10:00 bedtime and a total of 8 hours of sleep a night. Even that has proven tough, but I'm working on it. I'm determined to see this experiment through to the end.

Interestingly enough, after several days of getting a full night's sleep, instead of feeling better, I felt like I had slipped into a full-blown depression. It was like my body felt like it was a good time to emotionally detox since I was finally giving it enough sleep. Depression=bad. I really don't like it. And after several months of dealing with some pretty severe mood swings, this was the last straw. I decided to be more proactive in addressing the issue. Any of you who know me know that I am not into just going to the doctor and getting a pill to fix my problems. Instead, I'm interested in getting down to the heart of the problem, figuring out what isn't working and why. In my search, I ended up in a natural medicine doctor's office, and he found that, among other things, my thyroid is not working well. So I started taking a natural supplement to support my thyroid, and within a couple of days I felt significantly better! I'm so excited and grateful to be feeling strong and whole again! So while I am still interested in getting to the bottom of why my thyroid was malfunctioning to begin with, at least I have taken a big step forward by discovering the problem and addressing it.

Finally, in reference to the 10,000 hours quandary I posted about a few days ago, I have decided to take this next month to focus on running, specifically Chi Running and Chi Running instruction. I have loved running for years. And during that time that I was debating about what to throw out and what to focus most of my energy on, I kept coming up with reasons why running wasn't right for me: it doesn't seem that important compared to some of the other options, I'm really slow, I don't have the right "look" for a runner (or a running coach), etc. But in the end I realized that if that is really my passion, it will lead me to far greater things and far greater joy than anything else that I try to force into the role of "my passion." So I'm going to test it and see if that really is my passion. So far I'm loving it.

Well, that's about all I have to report for now. I'll check in again soon.

If You Could Choose Just One Thing to Be an Expert at, What Would It Be?

In a recent post of hers, my sister and business partner Melinda Batchelor blogged about the idea of putting 10,000 hours of deliberate practice into something in order to become an expert at it. She talked about how this concept has really thrown her for a loop and caused her to re-evaluate how she is living her life and running her business. (It's a great blog post. I recommend that you take a minute to read it.) I have had many of the same revolutionary thoughts about my life based on this concept. In fact, it has really turned my world upside down for these last few days, and I've realized some things about myself. I want to be great at everything, not just one thing. I've compared it to a computer game I used to play years ago called Dungeon Siege. In the game, you can develop your character's skills in either magic or in a particular weapon. Choosing to focus on just one would allow you to become really powerful in that area but stay perpetually weak in the other area you didn't focus on. As a result, I could not bring myself to let go of either area. I would just keep trying to develop both areas, and I did--to some extent. But in the end I would have mediocre power in both skills, and my character would be nothing special in terms of attack. My weaker attacks would make it harder to kill the monsters, which made it more likely that I would die.

What I'm finding is that I do the same thing in my real life. Take my business, for instance. I am currently playing the role of Chi Running instructor and health coach and energy coach, with plans to add even more to my list of titles down the road. And the thing is I love doing all of these things. But I'm finally being forced to acknowledge what has been in the back of my mind for at least the past year: I can't be an expert at all of these things. So I find myself at a crossroads. Do I continue on, attempting to continue strong in all disciplines, or do I let go of some things so that I can become a master in one area? I believe the right path for me is to let go, but I'm having a really hard time with it, as if I'm having to let go of a planned-for child. And as a result, I can't decide what to focus on. There are so many reasons to choose or not choose each area (not to mention the other areas of interest that I haven't even mentioned), but I want to choose the one that I am most passionate about, regardless of what seems like the "logical" choice. I want to choose the one that will leave me with the fewest regrets at the end of my life. And so far I can't bring myself to do that because it seems so final, like the end of the others' lives, or at least the end of my dreams of becoming a world-renowned expert in all of those areas.

So here is my plan. I am going to take my list of finalists and choose just one to focus on for a whole month. At the end of that month, I will evaluate how dedicated I was to studying, if I had to force myself to sit down and study it or did I look forward to it, and whether I eventually got bored with it and wanted to do something else vs. being excited enough about what I was learning to want to continue. This experiment might not give me the straight answer I'm hoping for, but it will at least be a start. And thankfully, I don't have to decide tomorrow.

Through this whole emotional upheaval, I did realize right away that there is one thing that I am sure I want to become an expert at, and that is being a wife and mother. I care more about that than any of those other things. I spend so much time interacting with my family, though, that I feel certain that I can improve a lot in this area if I just make that time I'm with them deliberate--study the scriptures or a pertinent book for a short time each day and then spend the time I'm with my kids working on what I've been studying about. Whatever other path I choose will always be secondary to that. And that plan, at least, fills me with joy.

Sleep--Is It Really a Big Deal?

My entire life I have had people telling me that sleep is essential for good health. Some have even cited sleep as one of the key factors to optimal health. However, as a former sleep-deprived college student and a current mother of four young children (no point in putting "sleep-deprived" as an adjective here since it is synonymous with "mother of young children"), I can attest to the fact that I have survived on less-than-ideal amounts of sleep for literally years now, and I still consider myself to be in excellent health. Despite that, there is this nagging voice in the back of my head asking me just how optimal my health is and what my quality of life has been like during those years. It's true that I have survived the last 10 years of motherhood on very little sleep. But is that all I'm aiming for? To survive?

I am starting to see a pattern develop with my mood swings. While there are undoubtedly other factors involved, I have definitely noticed that my worst moods are directly correlated with less sleep. In other words, the more sleep-deprived I am, the more depressed I am. And moody. And impatient. And pessimistic. And mean. And angry. Those are exactly the things I am actively working to change or to overcome in myself. But for some reason I have not looked my sleep patterns squarely in the eye as a possible culprit. Why? Maybe because I feel like I don't have enough time as it is. Maybe because I use late nights to escape when things are getting too hard or too busy in my life. Maybe because sleep is the easiest thing to cut out when there's a lot to do. But then again, maybe these issues wouldn't be issues if I were getting enough sleep.

It's time to stop avoiding the issue, though. I'm sick of merely "surviving." I want to actually start living. I want to have the energy and the patience and the light-heartedness that will allow me to actually enjoy my life and enjoy being with and playing with my children. Will sleep give me those things? I don't know. But I'm determined to find out. For the next month I am setting a goal to get to bed by 9:00 every night. That will be tough for me. I know that will mean leaving the dishes undone or that load of laundry unfolded sometimes. (Who am I kidding? It's left unfolded most of the time anyway.) I know it will mean thinking out of the box when it comes to date nights with my husband or girls nights with my friends. And I know not to expect 100%. But if I can do it even 90% of the time, I have a strong suspicion that my life will change completely. And frankly, as I write this from a totally sleep-deprived state, I am excited to see what my

new life looks like.

Plateaus

Getting fit is hard work! Anybody who tries to tell you that it's easy is either lying through their teeth or has

never truly tried to do it before. Or they're selling you some diet pill that down the road will turn out to cause cancer or heart damage or both. The first two months of the year I worked my tail off, both in the exercise arena as well as the nutrition arena. I was pushing myself hard and being very vigilant about what I ate. And it was hard. It's hard to decide every day that you're going to get up and work out even if your 4-year-old was in your room at 1 in the morning asking for water and then you couldn't get back to sleep for the next three hours. It's hard to pass up that brownie 9 times out of 10 (don't want to put myself into deprivation mode after all) and take the time to make a healthy meal as often as possible even though you know your kids are going to whine about it--again. So it's not terribly surprising to me that I've slacked off somewhat these past 2 weeks. My eating has really gone downhill--lots of treats, not enough vegetables. My exercise has been mediocre at best--I'm still doing it (most days) but I'm not putting quite as much effort into it as I was before. And I'm "escaping" more often, which means getting to bed way too late and waking up too tired to exercise or even to look forward to the new day.

And my weight has stopped dropping. Shocker, right? I lost a total of 11 pounds in the first two months of the year--11!--and now I am fluctuating between the same 2 or 3 pounds, unable to break through the 140 barrier into the 130s. I have officially hit a plateau. However, instead of whining about how I can't seem to lose weight, I am choosing to look at things as they really are. I have been a big slacker these 2 weeks, and it's absolutely no surprise to me that my weight has not continued to drop. It's disappointing, perhaps, that I can't lose weight without working; but not surprising.

I've been thinking today about what a plateau really is. If I were hiking up a steep mountain and part-way up I came to a plateau, I'm sure I would be happy and relieved to be there. The ground is flat, after all, which means less work and a chance to rest a little before I continue the upward climb. However, if the ground stays flat forever, I will never reach my destination. One way or another, the only way to get to the peak is to go up. And as nice of a reprieve as the plateaus are, the more there are, the longer it will take me to reach the summit. Seeing it from this perspective, I am recognizing that plateaus are actually an important part of my progress toward my goal. I do need a chance to rest a little after working so hard. But I don't want to stay here too long because that goal is still calling.

This little analogy is helping me to not beat myself up about these lazy last 2 weeks. Perhaps they are just what I needed to give me time to rest and find renewed motivation and dedication to my goal. And I do feel motivated again. I feel excited to keep moving forward, more excited than I have in weeks, actually. Hopefully the next plateau will not come for at least another 2 months. And when it does come (which I recognize now will be a good thing), I will take that time to relax and renew so that I can be even stronger once I start heading uphill again. Forward, march!

The Source of the Fear

Some time ago I had a bit of an epiphany, one that has really made a difference in my way of thinking (except for those days that I forget to remember it). At the time, I was listening to a lecture in which the speaker pointed out that it is crazy that we as a society judge the worth of a person by what they look like on the outside. The more I thought about that, the more I realized how true that is. Why does how much I weigh or how attractive I am have anything to do with who I am or how worthy of love I am? It doesn't really, but if I spend my life thinking that it is true, then I live in constant fear--fear of what other people think of me, fear of being too fat for people to like me, fear of gaining weight when I am thin, fear of never being able to lose weight when I am not thin, fear that I will never be worthy of love. But the truth is, that is all in my mind. Now don't get me wrong. These beliefs are a big deal and can create walls and limit the progress of anybody who gets stuck believing those things. But they are all in our mind; they're not real.

After listening to that lecture, I pondered on it for some time. I realized that my whole life, every choice I make, is based on fear of something. I wanted to be done living in fear and doing everything I do only because I'm afraid of what other people will think of me if I don't or because I feel obligated to do it. And I wanted to be done beating myself up because my body is not perfect.

So I imagined myself living in a vacuum where nobody else existed besides me--there was nobody around to judge me or to give me reason to worry or fear. And what I was able to see in that space was a completely different me than I normally see. Instead of noticing every blemish and flaw that I am constantly fearing will cause others to look down on me, I saw an absolutely amazing, miraculous body that does miraculous things. Instead of being frustrated and disgusted because of the stretch marks on my abdomen, I felt tremendous gratitude for this amazing body that grew four perfect little people inside of it and was able to stretch to accommodate each rapidly growing life! Instead of seeing love handles or the muffin top that are typically a source of ongoing stress and embarrassment for me, I saw a beautiful body, full of life and health, that has supported me all these years with only minor ailments and injuries in all that time.

I realized that all of the negativity that I feel for my body and thus for myself is a direct result of my fear or belief of what others might be thinking of me. And the kicker is that no matter what anybody thinks of me, it has nothing to do with me. It does not in any way affect my worth or my value or my beauty. I am a child of God and thus am a being of infinite worth and beauty and potential. Nothing they say or do or think will change that. Furthermore, I would venture to guess that 9 times out of 10, nobody is thinking the things I am worrying that they are thinking. As I said before, it is all in my head.

So what can I take from this experience? The next time I catch myself trying to camouflage the size of my belly or worrying about what somebody will think if I haven't lost more weight before I see them again, I'm going to stop and return to that vacuum momentarily and allow myself to feel love and amazement and gratitude for this miracle of a body that I have been blessed with. I am going to give myself a hug and tell myself how wonderful and awesome and beautiful I am. And I'm going to acknowledge to myself that I'm doing a good job in this life.

My Scale Broke

Early last week my scale stopped working. This has caused some interesting and unexpected emotions in me. I mentioned in a previous blog post how surprisingly helpful weighing myself every day has turned out to be, but I guess I didn't realize until now how much it is holding me accountable. Since my scale broke, I have felt a lot less concern about what I eat or when I eat or how much I eat because I knew there would be no accountability the next morning at weigh-in time since there wouldn't be any weigh-in time. I'm hoping one day to get to a place where my motivation for making good choices is entirely instrinsic, but for now I'm suddenly seeing the value of weighing myself every day. As a result, part of me feels the need to rush out and buy a new scale immediately; and part of me wants to hold off in case I've done a lot of damage this week so that I have a chance to remedy that before having to step on a scale again. One way or another, I will definitely be buying a new scale soon so that I have that continuing accountability and feedback, and so there are no excuses to start getting lazy in my habits. Hopefully when I weigh myself for the first time on that new scale, whether it be in 2 days or 2 weeks, the feedback on how I've spent my time in the interim will be positive.

6-Week Update

I have now completed 6 weeks of regular exercise and healthy eating. Hooray for me! I have been seeing some good things happening. The weight is coming off; I'm out of the habit of late-night binges or treats; I'm no longer craving many of the treats I used to want daily; and I drove by a restaurant the other day that I used to stop at several times a week and realized that it has been a really long time since I've been there. My habits are changing for the better. 

But despite the fact that I'm seeing progress--or perhaps because of it--I have been feeling less motivated lately to make good choices as far as lifestyle is concerned. I've been going to bed late, only doing partial workouts some days, and not being quite as careful about what I eat. I have thankfully established some pretty good patterns by now that are keeping me from straying too far from the path, so the end result is that I'm still working out, but I'm so exhausted that I feel like a zombie most of the time; I have no energy because I'm so tired; and I'm not happy. It's really hard for me to feel joy when all I'm trying to do is get through the day so I can finally go to bed.

This type of thing always happens to me when I start into a new workout plan, but usually it hits sooner. This time I feel like I'm handling things a little better because I have actually been able to see some progress and because the exercising and eating better have become habits. I know that won't work for long, though, if I don't get back to a place of enjoying what I am doing. Here is another one of those times when I need to address the emotional side of things. Why am I losing motivation? What about being healthy feels unsafe or scary? If I want to reach my optimal level of health, I cannot ignore these questions. I must address them as I go so that when I finally get to a point of great physical health, I will be able to easily maintain it because the rest of me will be healthy as well.

January's Results Are In!

This month has had a lot of ups and downs for me. And while I was not very good about posting regularly, and it may even have seemed that I had given up completely after my last pathetic post written on a very down day, I didn't. I kept going, never letting a day go by without exercising (except for rest days, of course, which are a very important part of any exercise program). And I did surprisingly well with my nutrition to the tune of 5 lbs. lost over the month! Yes, you read that right. I lost 5 lbs. in January! And I'm even happier to report that I shrunk 1.5 inches around my waist! So while I definitely had my setbacks over the course of the month and felt some days like for every step forward I was moving 2 steps backward, the persistence paid off. What a great lesson for me this has been. In the past I have gotten discouraged after 2 or 3 weeks when it didn't appear that I was making any progress, and with the discouragement came a huge hit to my motivation to the point that I stopped exercising or eating right or both. So what has made the difference this time? Well, I think there are a lot of factors involved, but here are just a few things I have recognized as making a difference this time around.

1) Weighing myself every day. I have always been strongly against this in the past because people tend to get too emotionally attached to the number on the scale. But what I found with myself is that weighing every day has actually helped me to decrease my emotional attachment to that number. Instead it serves to provide me with information about what/how/when I ate the previous day, and I no longer fear what number might appear when I step on that scale each morning.

2) Eating 3 meals a day with no snacking in between. I know this seems counter-intuitive because of what every personal trainer out there seems to be teaching, but this has helped me tremendously. I don't think we realize how many calories we are actually consuming in those in-between-meal snacks. Even though I definitely eat bigger meals now, my total caloric intake is lower, and my weight is dropping as a result.

3) A strong support system. Notice the word "strong." I love my twin sister dearly, and we have made dozens of goals together in the past several years. But despite how much we love each other, I would not necessarily say that we have been a strong support for each other--until now, that is. This time we have stopped having binges together when one of us is down, and we have set up small reward systems to help motivate us to keep going. We share our triumphs and setbacks with each other on a regular basis. I'm sure I would not have made it this far without my sis. So thank you, dear Sis.

4)Reviewing my goals. While I have set a million and one goals in the past, I often completely forget about them within a few weeks. But this time I have been reviewing them every single day, deciding what I can do each day to progress toward each goal, and finding small ways to reward myself every time I make a little bit of progress.

I can't say this is the formula for everybody out there, but for me these have made the difference. Will it make a permanent difference? I can't answer that yet, but I can say that I am optimistic about my future. 

Act 2

You know how the second act of a play is always the one where problems arise, where bad things happen and you don't know if/how it will all turn out in the end? Or how the 2nd movie in a trilogy is always the lame one that nobody ever wants to watch again or own, but the producers make you buy it if you want to get the other two by selling them as a set? Well I guess I've entered my own Act 2. This always happens to me two or three weeks into a new goal or plan. I'm exhausted all the time from getting up earlier and exercising more, which then makes me irritable and grumpy with my family and others who have the misfortune to cross my path; and on top of all that I am not seeing much, if any, progress on my goals.

Now, I know from an outsider's point of view that it's easy to look at the situation and say, "Be patient. You haven't given yourself enough time;" or "Your body will adapt;" or "There has been progress. You just can't see it yet." But you know as well as I do that when you're in the middle of that funk, none of those "excuses" seem real. I hate being this tired. My family and I are going to run our first 5k together this weekend, and I feel more tired and more out of shape than I did at the beginning of the year when I was doing no running at all. Every step I took in my run this morning was agony. On top of that, I was supposed to start packing for our trip tonight, but I'm just too tired. The whole thought of it seems overwhelming. And worst of all, I just spanked my little 4-year-old so hard that I think I sprained one of my fingers. My little guy that I adore so much. He deserves better than that, and I should be able to give him better.

I know this is a super depressing post, but I'm trying to be honest about my journey, and frankly sometimes the path gets hard and I want to turn back or take an easier way, even if I know the easier path will lead to nowhere. One of the hardest parts about it all is that, right now while I'm in the middle of Act 2 and things are so tough, I don't feel like I ever even had an Act 1. Instead of feeling happiness, excitement, motivation, and hope at the beginning, I pretty much went straight into stress and overwhelm and self-doubt. No wonder I'm already to this point after only 2 1/2 weeks. That's not the way to start anything.

My twin sister wrote a blog post about the importance of living in the Now and no longer letting fears or worries about the past or the future control you. (Take a look at that blog here.) Talk about good timing. That's exactly the reminder I needed after a day like today. I know I won't be in this low place forever, but what I want is to pull myself out of it and never return, and I believe the way to do that is to live in the now. It's time to stop stressing so much about what might or might not happen. I'm not running the 5k with my family to get a PR; I'm running it to do something fun with my husband and children. So I'm going to focus on that during the race, not on how fast or not fast I might be or what others might think of me. And I'm not living just to get through the day; I want to feel joy throughout my day as I play with and love my family and bring joy and light to the lives of people I pass on my journey. If that's not happening, then it's time to change something. My ultimate goal here is joy. So if what I'm doing isn't bringing me joy, time to stop. Is exercising bringing me joy? Ultimately yes because it will help me have better health and more energy. Also, as long as I'm not stressing about how much belly fat I'm burning or how much the scale is going to say tomorrow, I actually do enjoy exercising. Is worrying about the exercise bringing me joy? No. Time to throw the worry out of my life. Is getting up early bringing me joy? It depends on if I'm doing it because I want to or because I feel obligated to. Is being grumpy with my family and others bringing me joy? No way! Just the opposite. I definitely don't need that in my life. Time to make some changes. Someone very wise once told me, "If what you're doing isn't working, try something else." I feel like the way I've lived my whole life hasn't really worked for me, and I should have tried doing it differently a long time ago. But I can't do anything about the past, and there's no time like the present to start.

I know this is a long, whiny post, but some days are just like that.

Fear and Failure

The whole goal-setting process has been a really interesting experience for me this year. As usual, I set some pretty tough goals for myself, though I stuck with just 4 goals instead of the 10 I did a couple years ago (I crashed and burned big-time that year to the extent that I didn't even bother to set any goals at all the following year). Furthermore, my understanding of goals has grown since then. I now realize that working toward a goal is not about perfection but instead is about the progress you make working toward that goal.

But despite that understanding, there is still a part of me deep down inside that is afraid--afraid I won't "succeed," afraid I will succeed, afraid I'll give up a few weeks into it, afraid I'll find out that I suck, afraid it's not possible for me, afraid I don't really deserve success.

What I'm finding as a result is that on the one hand I've managed to get myself out of bed every morning and do one of the ultra-intense (and truly insane) Insanity workouts (click here to learn more about Insanity) as well as make it out for a run several times over the past two weeks. I'm really proud of myself for that, and I'm grateful that I've managed to make it this far without getting sick, getting injured, or feeling so exhausted that I feel the need to skip workouts (see http://coachmelindaann.blogspot.com/2014/01/some-days-are-harder-than-others.html for some of the "whys" on that one).

On the other hand, there is that ever-present underlying anxiety that I'm not going to succeed, which is causing me to sabotage all of that hard work by eating more junk food than is good for me. I don't typically go crazy--just a glass of hot chocolate or a few left-over Christmas candies--but I can tell that the cravings for that stuff are coming from my anxiety. For most of December I had little desire to eat any junk food, but now that I'm actively working toward a health goal, I suddenly can't get enough of it.

All of this is serving to remind me that I can't just approach my goals on a physical level. I also need to work on them at the emotional and spiritual levels. There are so many reasons why I am overweight and out of shape right now, and 99% of those reasons are not physical. (And I actually believe that is true for everybody out there.) So why do we think that putting all of our focus on the physical side of things is going to bring us back to a state of health? Ultimately that is not enough. While it is so much easier to deal with the physical side of the problem rather than having to look the underlying emotional issues in the eye, I know the approach has to be multi-tiered. Will there be pain? Yes (and not just because the workout is so hard). Will there be tears? Absolutely. Will I falter and stumble along the way? Guaranteed. But if I am brave enough to face myself and my fears head-on, will there be success? Without a doubt! And along with that success will come freedom. I'm ready to be free.

New Year, New You?

A lot of people begin the New Year by making resolutions. We’ve all been there. We take a vow to lose weight, exercise more, or spend more time with our family. We start the year with great intentions, but then we quickly relapse into old habits. Why is it so hard to stick to those New Year’s resolutions?
Here are some ways you can make your intentions a reality this year:

1.     Write down your intentions and keep them in a visible place, like taped to your bedroom mirror or the dashboard of your car.

2.     Get to the source of whatever is keeping you in a rut. Are you in a stressful relationship that causes you to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s every night? Are you stressed trying to keep up with family responsibilities or in your job and feel too tired to exercise after everyone else is taken care of?  If you don’t tackle the root of the behavior, it will be much harder to accomplish your goal.

3.     Be clear about what your life would look like once you achieve your goal. If you resolve to go to the gym more, how will this benefit you? Get connected to the result of your action, and you will be more likely to stick with your plan.

4.     Share your resolutions with friends and family. Hold each other accountable for achieving your goals. If you want to go to the gym more, have a friend call you two or three times a week to check on you or invite them to join you.

5.     Reward yourself with every little accomplishment. If your intention is to lose weight and you lose 1 pound a week, pamper yourself with a massage.

Big changes do not require big leaps. Permanent change is more likely to happen gradually than through one big restrictive plan. Allow yourself to climb the ladder one rung at a time.


Happy New Year! 

New Beginnings and Not-So-New Setbacks

Today is January 3rd, a few days into the start of a new year and new resolutions to do better. One of my resolutions for this year, of course, has to do with health. I want to have a flat stomach by the end of the year. I'm definining that as a 28-inch waist for lack of a better way to objectify it. At the moment I have about a 39.5-inch waist. So that means I need to shrink by about 1 inch per month to get to my goal. Since I've never paid much attention to how long it takes to lose inches, I don't really know how realistic that is. So this could be a great opportunity to move forward with no limiting belief about the achievability of my goal. But instead I've done nothing but doubt since day one of figuring out how many inches I really have to lose. "1 inch a month???" my subconscious asks. "No way am I going to do that!" And that has inevitably been followed by the anxiety and the fear and then the self-sabotage. Three days into my workout and I'm already in self-sabotage mode! Obviously working out daily is not going to be sufficient for me to succeed. I am going to have to deal with the emotional side of things as well, or I am going to crash and burn in the first week, just like so many people do with their New Year's resolutions.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf says, "Doubt your doubts, not your faith." Instead of dwelling on all the reasons why I think it can't be done, I want to be focusing on the infinite possibilities that this year brings. Instead of focusing on the road blocks, I want to focus on the opportunity for growth this presents me. Yes, I'm afraid. Yes, part of me is certain I will fail. But part of me is also excited to see what I will accomplish as a result of this goal--not just in terms of a flat stomach but also in terms of learning to love myself and learning to trust myself. The real goal here isn't to reach the number 28. The real goal is to keep trying, to never give up on my goals or myself, even if I backslide occasionally (like I did last night). What if I only make it down to 35 inches by the end of the year? I will still be better off than I was the previous year. But I'm not going to only make it to 35 inches. I'm going to continue tracking my progress and adjust my approach accordingly. That's one big thing that's going to be different this year: If my strategy isn't working, I am going to change it. Instead of choosing a strategy and sticking with it no matter what, like a hamster in a wheel that's not really getting anywhere, I'm going to evaluate my progress often and make changes mid-course as needed to ensure that I continue making progress.

As I think about it, this year isn't just about having a flat stomach or building my confidence as a health coach or serving more people (my goals for the year). It's about learning how to set--and accomplish--goals, it's about learning to love and trust myself, and it's about finding joy in the journey.

Life Lessons

I just learned this morning that the Gold Medal Schools program that I have been involved in, a state-run program intended to help schools establish healthy habits, is being shut down this year and that they don't have enough money to pay the school coordinators (that would be me) the stipend we were supposed to received: $500 now and $500 at the end of the year provided we have helped the school meet all of the requirements. I of course feel disappointed, especially since it's Christmas and I kind of went overboard buying presents in anticipation of getting that money. But I don't feel crushed or panicked or anything of the sort. Part of that is because I'm trying to approach it with the attitude of "What am I to learn from this?" Another part is because we are doing okay financially. My husband makes a good income, good enough to allow me to be a stay-at-home mom, good enough to allow me to pursue my passions such as running, triathlon, coaching, and playing with my kids, good enough that even when I overspend on Christmas presents, we will still be okay. So perhaps one of the things I am meant to realize from this is how very blessed I am. I'm so grateful for the abundance of blessings in my life. I'm grateful for my wonderful husband and my wonderful children. I'm grateful that we are all healthy. I'm grateful for my body. And I'm grateful to have been a part of helping the students at my kids' school make better choices.

Perhaps another thing I am to learn is that serving others is a joy. I have enjoyed being a part of this program at the school, getting to know the students better, putting together assemblies and other things to help the kids learn good habits, and being an active part of the school. And with or without the money, I am still excited to be a part of that. Maybe now that money isn't even involved for me, I can move forward with fewer inhibitions and allow myself to be led by my heart and by the internal motivation that is already there to help children and families. That's what I need to do with all of my coaching--just let go of the money stress. While it's nice to earn money and I do believe people will gain more when they pay for my services, the reason I am doing this is not just to get money. It is because I truly love what I do, and I want to help families be healthier and happier. So maybe the main lesson for me is that it's not about the money. It's about gratitude and blessings and service and love. And I'm going to be okay.

Patience

Impatience is always what gets me when working toward a goal, especially a health goal. I get so gung-ho and put all of my energy and excitement into something, such as a new workout plan or a new eating plan, excited and confident that the hoped-for weight loss will happen quickly. But it almost never does happen quickly, at least not quickly enough for my taste. I typically get about 2 weeks into the program before my excitement starts to fizzle because I'm seeing little to know change in my weight or body size, and pretty soon I drop it all together, discouraged and disgusted with myself for being so weak.

What I need to remember and really believe is that it really is going to happen, but not quickly and not all at once--at least as long as I'm doing it the right way. The right way means eating in a way that is healthful and sustainable over the long term, not just some temporary trick to lose a quick 10 pounds. I have beat up my body so much over the years that it's going to take time and the proper foods for it to heal and repair itself. I need to remember that when I'm not seeing the number on the scale go down. All of my healthy eating is making a difference, but I won't necessarily see all that's going on inside my body in this process of change and healing, and the scale is not going to show that either.

For the past couple of weeks I have been doing the Insanity workouts, which are, well, insane. I have lost so much fitness over the last year that I'm to the point right now that I sometimes will do just the warm-up, which is about 15 minutes long, then turn it off and be done, having sweated and gotten my heart rate way up just from that. Now to be fair, the warm-up on those is pretty intense. And right now it's enough to give me sore muscles and leave me feeling exhausted. Once again, though, it's about the baby steps. It won't be long before I can do the entire workout and feel good by the end. Or maybe it will be a long time before I get there. But the point is I WILL get there eventually, just as long as I don't give up. I've got to be patient with myself, and if the scale only shows .2 pounds lost, or even that I've gone up since the day before, I need to be okay with that, recognizing that all of that healing is still taking place that I can't yet see. I WILL reach my goal, even if at times it seems I'm making no progress at all. I just can't quit! 

Milestones

Warning: This is likely not going to be a happy, feel-good blog post. I'm not in a very good place right now. I turned 39 years old at the beginning of this week, but it's not my age that is bothering me. It's where I am right now vs. where I want to be that's bothering me. Birthdays are typically considered milestones by which we measure our progress in life. But what is a milestone really? Is it just an event or date that marks the passage of time? Or is it an event that indicates something achieved or gained? If the answer is A, then turning 39 was certainly a milestone for me. If you consider B as a more fitting description of what a milestone really is, then I don't know that I can say this birthday was a milestone. As I look back over the year, I certainly have accomplished some things, such as finishing my online health coaching program and becoming a certified holistic health coach, becoming a certified Chi Running instructor, and running my first RAGNAR. But the deeper, more personal goals went unachieved, like improved health, spiritual progression, and increased emotional strength. What is on my mind the most lately is the lack of improvement in my health. Not only did I not achieve the desired goals in my body composition and overall fitness but I instead managed to add more than 30 pounds to my body over the course of the year. I believe, though, that this would not be bothering me quite so much if I were not in such a low place spiritually and emotionally. It's really amazing to me how low I've fallen in so many ways in just one year.

So now I have two choices: I can either wallow in my mediocrity and lack of progress, feeling sorry for myself and giving up because it's "obviously" too hard for me; or I can get back on my feet and keep moving forward, recognizing that I'm not a failure as long as I keep trying. I think I'll go with option B. I have way too many years left to give up on myself already.

On second thought, this birthday is a milestone for me after all. It's the year I decided to move forward and never look back.

I'm the One Who Writes My Own Story aka Time to Stop Being a Victim!

A few mornings ago I woke up with the words to a song from an old LDS play going through my head: "I'm the one who writes my own story. I decide the person I'll be." I've heard the song many times before and even pondered the meaning of those words, but for some reason they really struck me as I woke up that morning. I suddenly understood them in a new light, and I felt powerful! I am in charge of my life! Nobody else is! I get to create it just how I want it to be, and I'm starting now! I can't possibly describe just how deep and poignant those feelings were for me; suffice it to say that is was an Aha! moment for me that changed my whole perspective. Ever since then, whenever I start feeling frustrated about how things are going, I have been taking a step back and saying to myself, "Wait a minute. If I don't like it, I am the one who needs to change it. What is my story going to say about how I chose to live this day of my life? I'm not just going to sit back and wait for things to change by themselves or for someone else to come in and save the day for me. " What a victim mentality that is! And unfortunately, that is the mentality that I have unknowingly operated under for the past 30+ years of my life. But I'm done! I am now creating the life I want to have in the future by taking charge of today. I am creating myself into a joyful person, a loving mother, a supportive wife, a successful business owner, and a woman who loves herself and treats herself like a queen. I know that a priceless creation like this takes a lot of work and a lot of patience, so I'm just taking things one day at a time. And when that fear starts to creep in, I stop and remind myself that I get to choose. I don't have to be afraid of anyone or anything anymore because I choose how I will meet any given scenario. I am in charge of my life. And I am powerful. And I am done being afraid.

I am the one who writes my own story. And what a story it will be!

Health Coaching Session 3

Last weekend my family and I went on a camping trip, and unfortunately my body thinks vacation = binge time. As a result, I ate a ton of junk food and arrived at my latest health coaching session weighing the same as I did when I first started the health coaching sessions: 154. Thankfully I didn't feel too discouraged due to my success since the last session: I was able to cut dairy completely out of my diet for a week, and I saw big changes in how I felt both physically and emotionally. Some things that I attributed to wheat sensitivity, like the bloated feeling I often have, was significantly improved just from cutting out the dairy. And my mood improved tremendously as well. It was enough of a difference that I have been able to stay away from ice cream and pizza completely, which were my two biggest weaknesses when it comes to dairy, and I have even avoided the little things like buttering my toast. So that change, combined with the food journal I kept to track how I felt, proved to be very successful.

After today's session, I am now moving forward and working on "crowding out" wheat products. My very wise health coach (aka yours truly) talked about the benefits of crowding out the bad by adding in more of the good to your diet rather than trying to go cold turkey with something, especially when it is a staple in your diet. So rather than telling myself I'm not allowed to eat any wheat, my assignment this week is to create some meal plans that don't include wheat (which I did in my health coaching session) and then buy the ingredients for those things as well as some good snack options that also don't contain wheat. That way I'll have plenty of good stuff around to eat before pulling out a wheat product.

One of my assignments from last session was to meditate for at least 5 minutes daily. I did a pretty good job with that for the first few days, but then it all went out the window when I started getting ready for the camping trip. So I'm going to add that back in this week as well. I also am going to work on being present and on telling myself that I love me every single day. All of these should help eliminate the need for emotional eating.

I am really optimistic about how things are going. My eating has improved tremendously since starting my health coaching, as has my mood. I feel like I'm in a good place right now.

Health Coaching - Session 2

Yesterday I had my second health coaching session with myself. It was a few days later than scheduled because of how crazy our last week of summer break was, but I actually think I will be better able to focus on my goals for the next 1 1/2 weeks now that 3 of my 4 kids are in school all day.

I do feel like I've been doing better these past two weeks. My eating hasn't changed considerably, but I haven't had as many cravings nor have I felt the need to binge (until today). And I ended up losing about a pound just from focusing on strengthening my relationship with God through scripture study and taking time for myself every day. And while I'm still really struggling to feel happy, I have been doing better mood-wise than I was before my health coaching session. So I'm seeing progress! Hooray! I have to remind myself when I am not seeing the results I was hoping for that I'm just taking this one step at a time. Even a little progress is still progress.

In yesterday's session, I decided that I need to make my marriage more of a priority. As I was thinking about all of the other things that I've been wanting to change or focus on about my life and particularly my diet, it occurred to me that maybe what's at the root of all of the issues I've been having lately is my struggling marriage. So for now I'm going to focus on showing my husband more gratitude, on sending him at least one message every day thanking him for something or letting him know something I appreciate about him.

I am also going to make it a priority to do a relaxation meditation for at least 5 minutes every day. I have been so stressed lately, and I can feel it in my neck and shoulders. I need to teach my body how to relax rather than holding all of that tension in. So I'm going to spend a few minutes focusing on relaxing each muscle in my body on a daily basis.

I also have decided to take a week off of dairy, which accounts for the binging I did at lunchtime today. I was afraid of feeling deprived by not being able to eat pizza and ice cream, so I went and bought a pizza for lunch today, along with some dessert bread sticks. I then proceeded to eat 3 or 4 pieces of pizza followed by several bread sticks. I will say, however, that I stopped much sooner than I would have in the past. So I still consider it progress. Also, the reason I'm going to cut out dairy is because my stomach has been bothering me so much lately, and I'm inclined to think that it's due at least in part to my dairy consumption. So I have high hopes that I will feel so much better once I've removed the dairy from my diet that I won't have any desire for it anymore.

Finally I'm going to keep a food journal for a while, just writing down what I ate, at what time, and how I felt throughout the day. I'm hoping it will be very eye-opening.

There are other things I "talked" about during my health coaching session, such as drinking more water. I would like to do better with that, but for now the emphasis is on my marriage and on meditation. Even the dairy and the food journal are going to take a back burner to those if need be.

My next health coaching session is only 1 1/2 weeks away. I'm excited to see what these next few days bring.

Todays stats:

body fat: (I actually forgot to check this today)

weight: 152.6 lbs

P. S. I pulled my goals sheet out of my binder and hung it in my closet where I can read it every day. What's the point of setting goals if I can't even remember what they are?

Health Coaching - Session 1

Wow! What a powerful experience this is turning out to be! I am really working to delve into what I as a client need most instead of trying to follow some generic outline that tells me what to talk about and what to recommend. What I really need most right now is help decreasing my stress level and learning to enjoy life. So this session's recommendations for me are to make time for my top two priorities (God and myself) every single day and to increase fruit and vegetable intake since I know good nutrition is a natural mood enhancer. I didn't do any specifics for this one because I really think the focus needs to be on relieving stress.

I had also created goals for this session, but after analyzing my needs and desires, I completely rewrote them to reflect my priorities. 

I am so excited about doing this! I don't want to have to wait a whole two weeks to have another session! I know that sounds silly since the session is just with myself, but this experience is giving me the opportunity to step back and look at my life from an outside viewpoint, and it's already helped me gain so much insight into myself. I foresee great things resulting from this. I'm already seeing improvements in myself, and I am feeling more confident in my abilities as a health coach as well.