Act 2

You know how the second act of a play is always the one where problems arise, where bad things happen and you don't know if/how it will all turn out in the end? Or how the 2nd movie in a trilogy is always the lame one that nobody ever wants to watch again or own, but the producers make you buy it if you want to get the other two by selling them as a set? Well I guess I've entered my own Act 2. This always happens to me two or three weeks into a new goal or plan. I'm exhausted all the time from getting up earlier and exercising more, which then makes me irritable and grumpy with my family and others who have the misfortune to cross my path; and on top of all that I am not seeing much, if any, progress on my goals.

Now, I know from an outsider's point of view that it's easy to look at the situation and say, "Be patient. You haven't given yourself enough time;" or "Your body will adapt;" or "There has been progress. You just can't see it yet." But you know as well as I do that when you're in the middle of that funk, none of those "excuses" seem real. I hate being this tired. My family and I are going to run our first 5k together this weekend, and I feel more tired and more out of shape than I did at the beginning of the year when I was doing no running at all. Every step I took in my run this morning was agony. On top of that, I was supposed to start packing for our trip tonight, but I'm just too tired. The whole thought of it seems overwhelming. And worst of all, I just spanked my little 4-year-old so hard that I think I sprained one of my fingers. My little guy that I adore so much. He deserves better than that, and I should be able to give him better.

I know this is a super depressing post, but I'm trying to be honest about my journey, and frankly sometimes the path gets hard and I want to turn back or take an easier way, even if I know the easier path will lead to nowhere. One of the hardest parts about it all is that, right now while I'm in the middle of Act 2 and things are so tough, I don't feel like I ever even had an Act 1. Instead of feeling happiness, excitement, motivation, and hope at the beginning, I pretty much went straight into stress and overwhelm and self-doubt. No wonder I'm already to this point after only 2 1/2 weeks. That's not the way to start anything.

My twin sister wrote a blog post about the importance of living in the Now and no longer letting fears or worries about the past or the future control you. (Take a look at that blog here.) Talk about good timing. That's exactly the reminder I needed after a day like today. I know I won't be in this low place forever, but what I want is to pull myself out of it and never return, and I believe the way to do that is to live in the now. It's time to stop stressing so much about what might or might not happen. I'm not running the 5k with my family to get a PR; I'm running it to do something fun with my husband and children. So I'm going to focus on that during the race, not on how fast or not fast I might be or what others might think of me. And I'm not living just to get through the day; I want to feel joy throughout my day as I play with and love my family and bring joy and light to the lives of people I pass on my journey. If that's not happening, then it's time to change something. My ultimate goal here is joy. So if what I'm doing isn't bringing me joy, time to stop. Is exercising bringing me joy? Ultimately yes because it will help me have better health and more energy. Also, as long as I'm not stressing about how much belly fat I'm burning or how much the scale is going to say tomorrow, I actually do enjoy exercising. Is worrying about the exercise bringing me joy? No. Time to throw the worry out of my life. Is getting up early bringing me joy? It depends on if I'm doing it because I want to or because I feel obligated to. Is being grumpy with my family and others bringing me joy? No way! Just the opposite. I definitely don't need that in my life. Time to make some changes. Someone very wise once told me, "If what you're doing isn't working, try something else." I feel like the way I've lived my whole life hasn't really worked for me, and I should have tried doing it differently a long time ago. But I can't do anything about the past, and there's no time like the present to start.

I know this is a long, whiny post, but some days are just like that.