Fear and Failure

The whole goal-setting process has been a really interesting experience for me this year. As usual, I set some pretty tough goals for myself, though I stuck with just 4 goals instead of the 10 I did a couple years ago (I crashed and burned big-time that year to the extent that I didn't even bother to set any goals at all the following year). Furthermore, my understanding of goals has grown since then. I now realize that working toward a goal is not about perfection but instead is about the progress you make working toward that goal.

But despite that understanding, there is still a part of me deep down inside that is afraid--afraid I won't "succeed," afraid I will succeed, afraid I'll give up a few weeks into it, afraid I'll find out that I suck, afraid it's not possible for me, afraid I don't really deserve success.

What I'm finding as a result is that on the one hand I've managed to get myself out of bed every morning and do one of the ultra-intense (and truly insane) Insanity workouts (click here to learn more about Insanity) as well as make it out for a run several times over the past two weeks. I'm really proud of myself for that, and I'm grateful that I've managed to make it this far without getting sick, getting injured, or feeling so exhausted that I feel the need to skip workouts (see http://coachmelindaann.blogspot.com/2014/01/some-days-are-harder-than-others.html for some of the "whys" on that one).

On the other hand, there is that ever-present underlying anxiety that I'm not going to succeed, which is causing me to sabotage all of that hard work by eating more junk food than is good for me. I don't typically go crazy--just a glass of hot chocolate or a few left-over Christmas candies--but I can tell that the cravings for that stuff are coming from my anxiety. For most of December I had little desire to eat any junk food, but now that I'm actively working toward a health goal, I suddenly can't get enough of it.

All of this is serving to remind me that I can't just approach my goals on a physical level. I also need to work on them at the emotional and spiritual levels. There are so many reasons why I am overweight and out of shape right now, and 99% of those reasons are not physical. (And I actually believe that is true for everybody out there.) So why do we think that putting all of our focus on the physical side of things is going to bring us back to a state of health? Ultimately that is not enough. While it is so much easier to deal with the physical side of the problem rather than having to look the underlying emotional issues in the eye, I know the approach has to be multi-tiered. Will there be pain? Yes (and not just because the workout is so hard). Will there be tears? Absolutely. Will I falter and stumble along the way? Guaranteed. But if I am brave enough to face myself and my fears head-on, will there be success? Without a doubt! And along with that success will come freedom. I'm ready to be free.