The Source of the Fear

Some time ago I had a bit of an epiphany, one that has really made a difference in my way of thinking (except for those days that I forget to remember it). At the time, I was listening to a lecture in which the speaker pointed out that it is crazy that we as a society judge the worth of a person by what they look like on the outside. The more I thought about that, the more I realized how true that is. Why does how much I weigh or how attractive I am have anything to do with who I am or how worthy of love I am? It doesn't really, but if I spend my life thinking that it is true, then I live in constant fear--fear of what other people think of me, fear of being too fat for people to like me, fear of gaining weight when I am thin, fear of never being able to lose weight when I am not thin, fear that I will never be worthy of love. But the truth is, that is all in my mind. Now don't get me wrong. These beliefs are a big deal and can create walls and limit the progress of anybody who gets stuck believing those things. But they are all in our mind; they're not real.

After listening to that lecture, I pondered on it for some time. I realized that my whole life, every choice I make, is based on fear of something. I wanted to be done living in fear and doing everything I do only because I'm afraid of what other people will think of me if I don't or because I feel obligated to do it. And I wanted to be done beating myself up because my body is not perfect.

So I imagined myself living in a vacuum where nobody else existed besides me--there was nobody around to judge me or to give me reason to worry or fear. And what I was able to see in that space was a completely different me than I normally see. Instead of noticing every blemish and flaw that I am constantly fearing will cause others to look down on me, I saw an absolutely amazing, miraculous body that does miraculous things. Instead of being frustrated and disgusted because of the stretch marks on my abdomen, I felt tremendous gratitude for this amazing body that grew four perfect little people inside of it and was able to stretch to accommodate each rapidly growing life! Instead of seeing love handles or the muffin top that are typically a source of ongoing stress and embarrassment for me, I saw a beautiful body, full of life and health, that has supported me all these years with only minor ailments and injuries in all that time.

I realized that all of the negativity that I feel for my body and thus for myself is a direct result of my fear or belief of what others might be thinking of me. And the kicker is that no matter what anybody thinks of me, it has nothing to do with me. It does not in any way affect my worth or my value or my beauty. I am a child of God and thus am a being of infinite worth and beauty and potential. Nothing they say or do or think will change that. Furthermore, I would venture to guess that 9 times out of 10, nobody is thinking the things I am worrying that they are thinking. As I said before, it is all in my head.

So what can I take from this experience? The next time I catch myself trying to camouflage the size of my belly or worrying about what somebody will think if I haven't lost more weight before I see them again, I'm going to stop and return to that vacuum momentarily and allow myself to feel love and amazement and gratitude for this miracle of a body that I have been blessed with. I am going to give myself a hug and tell myself how wonderful and awesome and beautiful I am. And I'm going to acknowledge to myself that I'm doing a good job in this life.